another quick note

November 20, 2009

i just had to add this to the last post…get it out

I WISH people would appreciate what they have….the ability to move, to walk….they do not understand….I cannot help the guilt because so many people in this world cannot go one day without physical exercise and eating perfect….and me here….a year long journey already and so far ahead to go….doing nothing, sitting, breathing, eating

god, just be grateful for what one does….

forget about the world….be grateful your own self then

hope from others

November 20, 2009

Abby has Issues had such a great post yesterday. It resonated with me so much, I could have written it myself. Just a phase…a phase of about 2 – 3 years before I exercise again, but a phase…right ?

I have seen some others inspiring posts too…girls that are are way way physically more fragile than myself…but really anything less than 90% is simply not good. A post also reminded me to really kick up the food intake or otherwise my metabolism will slow later on…want to be able to eat a lot then too of course.

Maybe I should bake or something  to occupy my time and cheer me up. Eating a lot and trying to not feel guilty for it. Despite sitting on my butt all day every day…cannot think about all the time wasted…cannot think about all the time still ahead…just need to get through each day and that is it.

My father sent a very discouraging, angry and judgmental email to me. It brought me down and angered me. But I am too tired of this life and tired of my affairs the past year and yet ahead that I do not want to bother being sad about it. What is the point ?
THe other posts I have read…well the situation is different….I do not have an eating disorder…not that…but there was always a bit of it evident because my sister was heavily and still is (cause who ever fully gets rid of it) , ….and now with all this I guess a mixture of depression and losing identity and life drew everything to a damaging result. I do not know how. I do not know how. But its the way it is.

My last thought on this tonight: I will not be influenced by others, will not and will not in future. What others eat, what ratios, what specifics, etc. matters not to me. FOr me, I do for me, and if that means chocolate, or a new cookie recipe, or giant bowls of cereal or oats or meat dishes, or more than normal or more than I can stomach…that is the way it is. Outside influences matter not. I sit and I eat, sit and eat, and I wonder if I will ever do more than a 30-minute walk, but whatever.

ANother poster said it good about how if you are unhealthy, lower weight , or even just physically broken…then it does not matter the ratios and specifics and perfection of food, you just have to eat. SO eat whatever , even if it is dessert-y or carby or full of oils and fat (i drown everything in oil basically) then thats the way it is…

I hope I sleep tonight. Past 3 nights I have just laid awake and its torturous. Shutting the mind off is ridiculously hard to achieve, and it should not be.

i wish

November 19, 2009

i wish i could know it would be alright

11 months and counting…another 7+ months before even considering something active for 30 seconds. Kicking myself for not being more proactive months ago…instead of listening to others or worrying…I should have just started it major and I could be somewhat better by now. IF,,IF I ever exercise again…it will be another year before i could imagine anything like 4 minutes on a bike…it will be 5 years before I can consider running….I feel so horribly for sitting like a blob….just eating and reading and spending ridiculous amounts of money on food, insurance, car, rent, living and for months and months….

This is me now….I ignore everyone else…because this is my body and my head right now and I have to do for me. I will continue to ignore everyone else. No guilt for carbs, no guilt for eating, no guilt for stuffing and barely a walk…I wish …IF I spent time WORRYING about other peoples routines and lives….then WHO would spend time worrying about mine ?….SO, I need to FOCUS on me and me alone.

THere is no such thing as perfect….there is only life.

Focus

November 18, 2009

Focus

Focus on myself

If I want a big bowl of oats packed with sweets and calories then I will

what does it matter that I sit all day….just sit…just fricking relax and stop overthinking it

if i want pb-chocolate cups or pb bread or a pizza or lots of meat with spaghetti noodles, that is okay

if i overload on nuts and fats…if i eat grains…if i eat animal sourcs

i have to be okay with it….if i eat lots of treats…if i eat too much before bed…if i overload on sugar and pure vegetarian meals…if i force the food…and wake up to that depression knowing i have to do it all over again…eat, sit, eat, sit, eat, sit, etc….never ending….wasted wasted wasted

my parent says it is okay…it is a valid health sickness…i should not feel guilt and shame and horror like another family member has imposed on me…telling me i am a failure and deserve nothing….i have to ignore

and focus on myself….i lost myself and i will never get myself back….but i will fight to do better….just better is all i need right now…

sometimes…

November 17, 2009

sometimes i think i ought to not look at blogs and things

sometimes it is strange because so many people do different things

people jumping on the protein-train and eating protein powders

not that i am judging

it is their right and choice

i just feel real food is super-important

and that we get much protein from lots of places

i guess it is just me

feeling guilty

because i am doing no exercise

and yet eating so many carbs…

whatever

right?

down the rabbit hole

November 17, 2009

Alice
I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, Sir, because I’m not myself you see. 
(Lewis Carroll)

god give me the strength

to move forward

to not look behind

to be better

to achieve peace

god give me the strength

to open my eyes in the morning

and to move forward

to not overthink

to not be sad

to not remember who i was and what i could do

move onward

love myself

god

please

i

am lost

and i need courage

i need faith

to persevere

hug me

let me feel warmth

let me feel hope

let me feel

numb

time

this madness has taken my body…taken my life….my identity…why madness? why did i let you grow

like a cancer ?

why did i feed you with

worry, anxiety?

it has all been nothing

and now

i have nothing

she does not understand

she thinks i am criticizing her

she thinks i am bringing her down

i think she is achieving

she is running

she is running

she is running

she is smiling

she is working

she is achieving

she is moving ahead

her body is strong and she runs for hours

she runs for miles

i am not trying to bring you down dear sister

i am not trying to criticize you

why do you misunderstand?

all i wanted was for you to say *it is ok*

to send me a card ? maybe a chocolate or two?

just to say *you are okay …it will get better…give it time ?

how how how

how could my sister be bones but build up to a runner

how could she build up through her eating challenges and denials

how could she deny it

when she was bones

her bones

they scared me that christmas

and she lied and she denied and she scared me

so much

how could she make it to running success

how can she be a wonderful athlete now when she never stopped?

why do i suffer over a year of no exercise? what did i do wrong?

i was not criticizing you i was not

why do you think that? you are selfish to think that…selfish

i just need a *it is okay*…like i gave you

when you tore me down when

you phoned me crying and crying

you brought me down

and i let it happen

and i never let my full reclaiming come to life

god

forgive me

i let it happen

and now she does not understand

i do not criticise her

i long for her life

i want her just to say it is okay

and then move on

how ?

how can that selfishness and coldness exist

is it really too much to ask ?

 

eating fast….worrying…

November 16, 2009

I woke up this morning to see a comment from another blogger I  really really enjoy…it was so nice….wow, I never realized that just one kind comment from another can mean so much (thanks).

Any one ever feel they eat really fast? Like, this morning I had a wonderful breakfast…full of tasty foods, flavor, so much sweetnest (I feel sorta bad for this also….people tend to avoid sugar – natural and especially artificial – but I am a friend of sugar and love having something with intense flavor I guess)…and it was a fine breakfast by all counts….

b…u…t…. then i eat it so fast….like the whole time i am eating i am thinking about others things…so many things on my mind and occupying me…..or i feel like i am in the biggest rush of my life….and i have no rush at all – i have plenty of time. Hate that feeling, because then post-breakfast I think *you should not have had something oh-so-tasty and oh-so-carby if you were not even going to enjoy it*.

But thoughts like those are useless….if I had to worry about that every day then every day I would intentionally avoid grains, or intentionally avoid have some chocolate or vanilla taste or yes, having products with a slightly longer ingredient list than most people would approve of.

So, moving on then….done and done, silly to dwell on it – it is over.

It is so difficult for me (in my lesser healthy state) to eat….I eat 6x a day and do it by a clock and it sucks…it really sucks. When I started this blog it was NOT my intention to go into any of this at all…none of it….but why fight something that *you* are right now. I cannot post food pics or talk all cheery about reality tv when I constantly fight to stay positive, to come to grips to where I was and where I am now.

Maybe some more of my story – without much details because I have other complications going on and while some readers may assume this is a full-blown eating disorder…it is not….it is quite different than that….but some eating disordered features have been in my past (as well as in my family) and had some contributions along the way. My weight loss was one more of other involving factors, so it is not a clear-cut *fix the mentality* thing…I have physical things to contend with also.

Initial consults with nutritionists were good but unsuccessful. I agreed completley with their principles and liked some of them…but, I lost a bit more weight subsequently and then said *okay, I have to be diligent with this*….a doctor agreed with me also and said while their principles were spot-on….at my weight now , I should just concentrate on getting it up and up and up…and worry about the rest later….

It is difficult though because a few certain foods I find unappealing or hard on my digestive processes at times and this is not good because they are the higher-protein items….so I get enough protein, but wonder if I ought to stress more, instead of so many carbs.

I admit though I do enjoy vegan-based dishes (but not a vegan) like beans + rice + vegs + oil + nuts-seeds, etc….but I eat nut butters and nuts and seeds over the moon , it is unbelievable…

I feel though at this low weight I have had already months and months and months and months that I could now have it all on and be starting a slow exercise program now…instead I am in my 11th month of no exercise….because each month got no better…little steps here and there….why?….it could be cause i was not listening to myself…it could be because i never followed the nutritionists suggestions to detail at all….

I have gained weight in the past…once forcefully by others…and another time forcefully by myself…

do i really have to force this food again? do i really have to sickeningly force in way more than i want….i have nightmares from the past almost and worry that it is not right to do it that way….right or wrong ?…maybe i should just *go with the flow* and eat *naturally*…eat when the time comes around or i can stomach it , etc….

but then i worry that (like the last few months — tho i have forced all along) i will get NOWHERE….and end up again another few months down the road in the same position…

but each individual day is a struggle…knowing that i will not even be able to consider exercise (and uncertain i will even be able to at all) for another 6+months….and I do not think that is even feasible….way longer than that…way longer….so how to get through each day…my boring little walks?…my feeble attempts at a 15-minute yoga dvd that I have to spend majority of in childs pose?….forcing myself to eat by a clock constantly?….and in ridiculous amounts….and SO MUCH more than anyone on blogs or in my world around me….

I worry a lot about carbs….so so many avoid the grains: the granola, cereal, bread, bagels, wraps, cereal bars, noodles, rice, quinoa, oats, high-carb spreads and nut butters, etc…..and they exercise or not….and what of me? I feel that guilt , that worry…like if I am purposefully gaining then I ought to concentrate on the protein (when in fact that has been reduced for me for awhile) and the fat….sick of this wondering….sick of this guilt….I eat it – I eat the carbs – I eat the things others might not even dare touch that I will not mention…but that doesnt mean the guilt and anxiety does not exist….

how does a person only eat a fruit, yogurt, or a protein bar at lunch only?…..it drives me nuts, and that is not fair…not fair to the other person (who can do as they please without my nose in their business) or fair to me (who has to stop this silly comparing game)…I am too old for it….too old and too stuck in life….lost years to this…years….the best years of my life they say….

oh, what a rant…what a rant….NOT where I ever intended to take this blog….NOT where I ever intended to open up about….but this is it…in future I might be able to start a blog without any of this craziness, but right now I cannot fight it….I have to be true to myself and let the thoughts, the guilt, the anxiety flow out of me. Better than allowing these thoughts to sit in my head and overwhelm my body and brain into a deeper depression than it need be in.

Forgive me for a silly post — I realize no one may read, but whatever…just to get it out there feels more releasing.

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