another quick note

i just had to add this to the last post…get it out

I WISH people would appreciate what they have….the ability to move, to walk….they do not understand….I cannot help the guilt because so many people in this world cannot go one day without physical exercise and eating perfect….and me here….a year long journey already and so far ahead to go….doing nothing, sitting, breathing, eating

god, just be grateful for what one does….

forget about the world….be grateful your own self then

hope from others

Abby has Issues had such a great post yesterday. It resonated with me so much, I could have written it myself. Just a phase…a phase of about 2 – 3 years before I exercise again, but a phase…right ?

I have seen some others inspiring posts too…girls that are are way way physically more fragile than myself…but really anything less than 90% is simply not good. A post also reminded me to really kick up the food intake or otherwise my metabolism will slow later on…want to be able to eat a lot then too of course.

Maybe I should bake or something  to occupy my time and cheer me up. Eating a lot and trying to not feel guilty for it. Despite sitting on my butt all day every day…cannot think about all the time wasted…cannot think about all the time still ahead…just need to get through each day and that is it.

My father sent a very discouraging, angry and judgmental email to me. It brought me down and angered me. But I am too tired of this life and tired of my affairs the past year and yet ahead that I do not want to bother being sad about it. What is the point ?
THe other posts I have read…well the situation is different….I do not have an eating disorder…not that…but there was always a bit of it evident because my sister was heavily and still is (cause who ever fully gets rid of it) , ….and now with all this I guess a mixture of depression and losing identity and life drew everything to a damaging result. I do not know how. I do not know how. But its the way it is.

My last thought on this tonight: I will not be influenced by others, will not and will not in future. What others eat, what ratios, what specifics, etc. matters not to me. FOr me, I do for me, and if that means chocolate, or a new cookie recipe, or giant bowls of cereal or oats or meat dishes, or more than normal or more than I can stomach…that is the way it is. Outside influences matter not. I sit and I eat, sit and eat, and I wonder if I will ever do more than a 30-minute walk, but whatever.

ANother poster said it good about how if you are unhealthy, lower weight , or even just physically broken…then it does not matter the ratios and specifics and perfection of food, you just have to eat. SO eat whatever , even if it is dessert-y or carby or full of oils and fat (i drown everything in oil basically) then thats the way it is…

I hope I sleep tonight. Past 3 nights I have just laid awake and its torturous. Shutting the mind off is ridiculously hard to achieve, and it should not be.

i wish

i wish i could know it would be alright

11 months and counting…another 7+ months before even considering something active for 30 seconds. Kicking myself for not being more proactive months ago…instead of listening to others or worrying…I should have just started it major and I could be somewhat better by now. IF,,IF I ever exercise again…it will be another year before i could imagine anything like 4 minutes on a bike…it will be 5 years before I can consider running….I feel so horribly for sitting like a blob….just eating and reading and spending ridiculous amounts of money on food, insurance, car, rent, living and for months and months….

This is me now….I ignore everyone else…because this is my body and my head right now and I have to do for me. I will continue to ignore everyone else. No guilt for carbs, no guilt for eating, no guilt for stuffing and barely a walk…I wish …IF I spent time WORRYING about other peoples routines and lives….then WHO would spend time worrying about mine ?….SO, I need to FOCUS on me and me alone.

THere is no such thing as perfect….there is only life.