eating fast….worrying…

November 16, 2009

I woke up this morning to see a comment from another blogger I  really really enjoy…it was so nice….wow, I never realized that just one kind comment from another can mean so much (thanks).

Any one ever feel they eat really fast? Like, this morning I had a wonderful breakfast…full of tasty foods, flavor, so much sweetnest (I feel sorta bad for this also….people tend to avoid sugar – natural and especially artificial – but I am a friend of sugar and love having something with intense flavor I guess)…and it was a fine breakfast by all counts….

b…u…t…. then i eat it so fast….like the whole time i am eating i am thinking about others things…so many things on my mind and occupying me…..or i feel like i am in the biggest rush of my life….and i have no rush at all – i have plenty of time. Hate that feeling, because then post-breakfast I think *you should not have had something oh-so-tasty and oh-so-carby if you were not even going to enjoy it*.

But thoughts like those are useless….if I had to worry about that every day then every day I would intentionally avoid grains, or intentionally avoid have some chocolate or vanilla taste or yes, having products with a slightly longer ingredient list than most people would approve of.

So, moving on then….done and done, silly to dwell on it – it is over.

It is so difficult for me (in my lesser healthy state) to eat….I eat 6x a day and do it by a clock and it sucks…it really sucks. When I started this blog it was NOT my intention to go into any of this at all…none of it….but why fight something that *you* are right now. I cannot post food pics or talk all cheery about reality tv when I constantly fight to stay positive, to come to grips to where I was and where I am now.

Maybe some more of my story – without much details because I have other complications going on and while some readers may assume this is a full-blown eating disorder…it is not….it is quite different than that….but some eating disordered features have been in my past (as well as in my family) and had some contributions along the way. My weight loss was one more of other involving factors, so it is not a clear-cut *fix the mentality* thing…I have physical things to contend with also.

Initial consults with nutritionists were good but unsuccessful. I agreed completley with their principles and liked some of them…but, I lost a bit more weight subsequently and then said *okay, I have to be diligent with this*….a doctor agreed with me also and said while their principles were spot-on….at my weight now , I should just concentrate on getting it up and up and up…and worry about the rest later….

It is difficult though because a few certain foods I find unappealing or hard on my digestive processes at times and this is not good because they are the higher-protein items….so I get enough protein, but wonder if I ought to stress more, instead of so many carbs.

I admit though I do enjoy vegan-based dishes (but not a vegan) like beans + rice + vegs + oil + nuts-seeds, etc….but I eat nut butters and nuts and seeds over the moon , it is unbelievable…

I feel though at this low weight I have had already months and months and months and months that I could now have it all on and be starting a slow exercise program now…instead I am in my 11th month of no exercise….because each month got no better…little steps here and there….why?….it could be cause i was not listening to myself…it could be because i never followed the nutritionists suggestions to detail at all….

I have gained weight in the past…once forcefully by others…and another time forcefully by myself…

do i really have to force this food again? do i really have to sickeningly force in way more than i want….i have nightmares from the past almost and worry that it is not right to do it that way….right or wrong ?…maybe i should just *go with the flow* and eat *naturally*…eat when the time comes around or i can stomach it , etc….

but then i worry that (like the last few months — tho i have forced all along) i will get NOWHERE….and end up again another few months down the road in the same position…

but each individual day is a struggle…knowing that i will not even be able to consider exercise (and uncertain i will even be able to at all) for another 6+months….and I do not think that is even feasible….way longer than that…way longer….so how to get through each day…my boring little walks?…my feeble attempts at a 15-minute yoga dvd that I have to spend majority of in childs pose?….forcing myself to eat by a clock constantly?….and in ridiculous amounts….and SO MUCH more than anyone on blogs or in my world around me….

I worry a lot about carbs….so so many avoid the grains: the granola, cereal, bread, bagels, wraps, cereal bars, noodles, rice, quinoa, oats, high-carb spreads and nut butters, etc…..and they exercise or not….and what of me? I feel that guilt , that worry…like if I am purposefully gaining then I ought to concentrate on the protein (when in fact that has been reduced for me for awhile) and the fat….sick of this wondering….sick of this guilt….I eat it – I eat the carbs – I eat the things others might not even dare touch that I will not mention…but that doesnt mean the guilt and anxiety does not exist….

how does a person only eat a fruit, yogurt, or a protein bar at lunch only?… drives me nuts, and that is not fair…not fair to the other person (who can do as they please without my nose in their business) or fair to me (who has to stop this silly comparing game)…I am too old for it….too old and too stuck in life….lost years to this…years….the best years of my life they say….

oh, what a rant…what a rant….NOT where I ever intended to take this blog….NOT where I ever intended to open up about….but this is it…in future I might be able to start a blog without any of this craziness, but right now I cannot fight it….I have to be true to myself and let the thoughts, the guilt, the anxiety flow out of me. Better than allowing these thoughts to sit in my head and overwhelm my body and brain into a deeper depression than it need be in.

Forgive me for a silly post — I realize no one may read, but whatever…just to get it out there feels more releasing.


One Response to “eating fast….worrying…”

  1. Abby Says:

    Did you get my e-mail? If you did, you know that I can relate to SOOO much of what you’re saying. And no apologies–this is where you are right now, this is your blog.

    It’s always been that way for me with meals, in that I have no idea how people can skip them or live off a granola bar for breakfast when I’m slugging down an Olympic-sized meal and eating three hours later. I’ve always had to eat more–even in the hospital–and it’s still not enough. Yet, I’m not gaining and have trouble adding stuff in. Makes no sense…

    Plus, to touch on your speed thing, I look forward to every single meal (for the most part). But, while I’m eating one, I’m distracted and already planning out another or thinking of the next thing I want to make, eat, do, etc…now I’m rambling on your blog. Sorry! Just know you’re not alone 🙂

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