sadness becomes her

November 16, 2009

This is a sad post….and no one is reading either so it does not matter either way…difficult to have the support. I have reached out to a sister of mine a couple of times during this time that is difficult for me….but I get no response….just for her to say *it is okay….it will get better…it will*

just to hear that…and nothing else…that would help me I think….I think sometimes people do not understand the difficulties people go through and that just a simple *it is okay* would make all the difference….it marvels me how some people can do and participate and achieve so much and be jovial and simply not understand – never understand – never see how lucky they are….and in turn offer just a nudge-up for others….

I believe when I am fully better I will somehow find a way to always lend a hand to others….even if its just for a mere minute of their lives….I will always always remember that just telling someone *it is okay* can mean the world….though often the person wishes to hear it from someone close…etc

just having a hard time tonight…a very hard time of it…cannot afford yoga, cannot do anything beyond a walk….a short walk after my afternoon snack and saw christmas lights glowing in the dimming light….and it struck me….that a while back my body used to go out for a chilly run….thirty minutes, an hour, over an hour…looking at the beautiful lights…feeling bouncy and strong and wonderful….and yet for the past 11 months I have done nothing ….nothing beyond a walk….and after all that time…all that time…i am still likely a year or more away before I can consider anything…and then?….then it is uncertain i ever will be able to ….

it was a sad thought…i miss it….i ache for who i was and what i did…..i ache for it and it brings tears to my eyes at how i want it so bad and have lost it and may never ever ever get it again….

where do people summon the strength during hard times?…where?….how do they do it? …it stuns me….i long for what i had, who i was….and fight to get through each day….baby steps that are agonizing….

random thoughts….negative, boring, silly maybe…but on my mind…and often overwhelming….holding on as i can…


2 Responses to “sadness becomes her”

  1. Amy Says:

    i relate to this post a lot. thanks so much for leaving me a nice comment on my blog. ill be back to read more!

  2. Thank you Amy. You made my morning a bit brighter.

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