down the rabbit hole

November 17, 2009

Alice
I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, Sir, because I’m not myself you see. 
(Lewis Carroll)

god give me the strength

to move forward

to not look behind

to be better

to achieve peace

god give me the strength

to open my eyes in the morning

and to move forward

to not overthink

to not be sad

to not remember who i was and what i could do

move onward

love myself

god

please

i

am lost

and i need courage

i need faith

to persevere

hug me

let me feel warmth

let me feel hope

let me feel

numb

time

this madness has taken my body…taken my life….my identity…why madness? why did i let you grow

like a cancer ?

why did i feed you with

worry, anxiety?

it has all been nothing

and now

i have nothing

she does not understand

she thinks i am criticizing her

she thinks i am bringing her down

i think she is achieving

she is running

she is running

she is running

she is smiling

she is working

she is achieving

she is moving ahead

her body is strong and she runs for hours

she runs for miles

i am not trying to bring you down dear sister

i am not trying to criticize you

why do you misunderstand?

all i wanted was for you to say *it is ok*

to send me a card ? maybe a chocolate or two?

just to say *you are okay …it will get better…give it time ?

how how how

how could my sister be bones but build up to a runner

how could she build up through her eating challenges and denials

how could she deny it

when she was bones

her bones

they scared me that christmas

and she lied and she denied and she scared me

so much

how could she make it to running success

how can she be a wonderful athlete now when she never stopped?

why do i suffer over a year of no exercise? what did i do wrong?

i was not criticizing you i was not

why do you think that? you are selfish to think that…selfish

i just need a *it is okay*…like i gave you

when you tore me down when

you phoned me crying and crying

you brought me down

and i let it happen

and i never let my full reclaiming come to life

god

forgive me

i let it happen

and now she does not understand

i do not criticise her

i long for her life

i want her just to say it is okay

and then move on

how ?

how can that selfishness and coldness exist

is it really too much to ask ?

 

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One Response to “down the rabbit hole”


  1. Thank you for stopping by my blog. I am glad you find my attitude inspiring and uplifting…I am sorry you are in such pain and confusion. I wish you health & strength 🙂


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