sadness becomes her

November 16, 2009

This is a sad post….and no one is reading either so it does not matter either way…difficult to have the support. I have reached out to a sister of mine a couple of times during this time that is difficult for me….but I get no response….just for her to say *it is okay….it will get better…it will*

just to hear that…and nothing else…that would help me I think….I think sometimes people do not understand the difficulties people go through and that just a simple *it is okay* would make all the difference….it marvels me how some people can do and participate and achieve so much and be jovial and simply not understand – never understand – never see how lucky they are….and in turn offer just a nudge-up for others….

I believe when I am fully better I will somehow find a way to always lend a hand to others….even if its just for a mere minute of their lives….I will always always remember that just telling someone *it is okay* can mean the world….though often the person wishes to hear it from someone close…etc

just having a hard time tonight…a very hard time of it…cannot afford yoga, cannot do anything beyond a walk….a short walk after my afternoon snack and saw christmas lights glowing in the dimming light….and it struck me….that a while back my body used to go out for a chilly run….thirty minutes, an hour, over an hour…looking at the beautiful lights…feeling bouncy and strong and wonderful….and yet for the past 11 months I have done nothing ….nothing beyond a walk….and after all that time…all that time…i am still likely a year or more away before I can consider anything…and then?….then it is uncertain i ever will be able to ….

it was a sad thought…i miss it….i ache for who i was and what i did…..i ache for it and it brings tears to my eyes at how i want it so bad and have lost it and may never ever ever get it again….

where do people summon the strength during hard times?…where?….how do they do it? …it stuns me….i long for what i had, who i was….and fight to get through each day….baby steps that are agonizing….

random thoughts….negative, boring, silly maybe…but on my mind…and often overwhelming….holding on as i can…

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Love/Hate relationships

November 15, 2009

Everyone knows these right?

Some of mine currently?…

1. Living with other people. Love that they are awesome and great companions/friends and own a nice place….Hate that the boy took one of nice bananas this morning….no biggie though – I still had some for myself to add  to breakfast (ginormous breakfasts i have that could put many to shame), and I will mention to him later (plus steal back 1 …or 2…of theirs later the week 🙂

2. Having this blog. Love writing – particularly about my inner thoughts and fears of extreme guilt and comparisons. Hate that I did not want to do that….the point was to write maturely and to post fun foodie pics (focus more on food really) and oddly enough it has taken a different spin…but I find that writing about what is on your mind is absolutely the best thing to do….getting it out there, hoping others might understand or relate…that is where my head is at now….that said, I plan to either start a new blog that will focus more on fun foodie stuff or just add in random food posts here at leisure….not sure at this point. I also hate (oops another) the worry that others might read it and compare themselves or erroneously make assumptions about my eating or something….difficult to be a non-exerciser who eats in an exercising-controlled-food-blog-world.

3. Love awesome food. Hate having to eat when feel no desire or physical discomfort (necessary for my health-related stuff). 6x a day every day….

4. Love experimenting with vegan dishes…and non-vegan dishes….Hate feeling guilt for both. Dammed if I do (eat animal products for example….or eat a solely carb-vegan based dish)….dammed if I do not…

5. Love reading. Hate that I cannot afford books and cookbooks. Willing to accept any and all sent my way :)…I have the time and need to just sit and read…

6. Love seeing some christmas decorations adorning the houses around here. Hate that I have to look at them all the time on my very short walk that I take a day. (Walking is a wonderful activity…but I am bored after almost a year of it).

7. Love the idea of doing yoga….Hate that it is just an idea…my attempts at participation have ended me on my back in meditation or a modified childs pose (even that hurts).

8. Love buying food….Hate the cost of food….all the awesome stuff is so expensive …its an internal battle of unwarranted splurges or feeling denied.

9. Love the prospect of trying some squashes….Hate that the trend seems to be to avoid all whole grain noodles for the squash….um, yeah….so that would be just a side I think ….BUT…to each their own. People do their thing, I do my own. …Must try the canned pumpkin in oats soon too.

10. Love that I truthfully have 8 jars of different nut butter here now :)…. Hate that my limited fridge space means I have about 5 open now, but they are all jammed up the other jam-bar-butts….patience right?…maybe in another 2-3 years I can get my own complete space! yay!

So, again, I am not sure what I will do with this blog….either continue using it for my ramblings of what I choose to write at whatever time (even if it is 10 posts a day!) or shut it down and in future start up my true-food blog….though I planned to make several posts here food-related…and book-related…with pics….I need to start the food pics…my camera is not so great…and I have no idea how to color up a webpage with a photo on top, etc…

Till Later…

posting again

November 14, 2009

I guess I should keep my posts to a minimum…too many gets too cluttered and ridiculous really. But I have some thoughts on my mind. I have read about vegetarianism and veganism and I know the extreme benefits, and I have made some changes by adding more grains, produce, fruits, etc. in my daily eats versus relying solely on proteins in form of meats and fish, etc. However,  a confession here that I am not vegetarian or vegan…and I kind of feel guilty when I see these wonderful food blogs of persons who follow that lifestyle and flourish, and are doing good for their body, mind, and the environment. I have a lot of belief that those lifestyles are worthy to lead. But in the meantime, I admit I am not ready to give up my fish, chicken, etc….I certainly have vegan meals, etc….but very frequently during the week I do have these other animal products.

I think I keep comparing myself to others again and I ought to stop that. I do feel some source of odd-guilt though…I use to inquire about vegetarianism a few times around an old friend in the recent past and I have learned she is now pretty much hard-core going that way. I mean…not that that is a bad thing….but this person is always so easily swayed by what others or doing….or reads or hears something and then jumps and thinks that she must must do it….she cannot just trust herself and her own lifestyle…instead she made erroneous assumptions…because I obviously do not practice that lifestyle…though I have incorporated it into my life and respect it immensely.

I guess this is just my frustration peaking through at people who are easily swayed or believing of others….assumptions are not smart folks. Never assume,  because you really do not know. Inquiry and interest does not equate practice and devotion.

the heat was on…

November 14, 2009

This morning I took my body to a Hot Yoga class, approximately 90 minutes. It was decent, I do not love it or hate it. I could not participate that much in it truthfully and spent more time meditating, lying on my back, or taking rests. It is challenging…but not the way I approached it today. I wanted to give it a try. Hot Yoga is said to offer several detoxyifying benefits and to ease soreness, increase flexibility, build strength, etc. Truthfully I would love to sign up for this class for at least 2 months…and get true benefits out of it because consistency is the key. But, I doubt I can afford that…well, actually I know I cannot afford it, but there comes out that *forget my realistic situation* attitude. What is up with that? Its hard to determine where to draw the line between between realistic and being bold….

Anyway, I know the yogadownload.com online classes are ever-popular…but for some reason when I try to pull them up my screen is just black…boo…

In the meantime I have some Rodney Yee DVDs…however they are getting boring. I picked up another one the other day also, so who knows?? Generally though I like the idea of taking classes during the week to a) feel like I am a part of the structured fitness world, b) have a hard surface to do the yoga properly (I have carpet in my living area).

I will have to think it over again.

Today is a bit of a difficult day for me. I am having difficulty with some upsetting news I have learned and jumping to the dangerous comparing game….you know….when you compare yourself against a) what you were….who you were…, and b) someone else.

I used to be a fantastic physical fitness athlete….completely involved with exercise….and good at it too…particularly running. Well, as I previously managed I am now on a complete journey to complete health, so exercise (structure, hard core, *real* exercise) is not in my cards right now. I walk daily and I try the yoga stretch. Boy, the journey to health is quite a road…honestly I wish I could wake tommorow I would be all better and go out and run miles and miles…and feel good while doing it.

I think often people take for granted what they can do. I see bloggers running miles and miles….and I would kiss the ground if only I could jog for 2 minutes. It is bringing me down and I am trying to be positive, really trying….but it is not easy and I am having a tough time of it. Comparing myself. Particularly also in relation to food. I have this no activity level now…and I see people around me and people on blogs (athletes) quite often eating tiniest portions, or avoiding the grains (the carbs)…or substituting all bread and pasta with squash….

I. Cannot. Compare. I have to not even go there….do not go down that road…because that just leads a person to dwelling, sadness…and complete danger. For example…if I feel badly and feel my eating is not justified since I do a lot of sitting and reading and others do tremendous amounts…if I feel badly for that…do I run the risk of eating less? And where will that lead me? Compromised health, that is where. Denying my body and brain the nourishment and fuel it needs to grow strong and happy and healthy and vital.

The difficulty is that I have some personal digestive and other things going on. So my whole physical situation is not comfortable nor desired.

Inspiration? I am thinking about the people who end up in wheelchair after accidents or trauma ….and end up having to re-learn how to walk for just 1 minute at a time….gosh, for me to feel sorry for myself….how wrong. That is why I wish several food bloggers (not everyone, but many) would thanks their stars to be able to walk for even 5 minutes of the day….if I could stumble or crawl for just 2 minutes it would be an accomplishment. You might think I am being lazy or could do more….believe me, I think that all the time. But it comes down to the physicality of the situation and the concrete fact that rest is necessary….I would have another half a year before vigorous exercise is even possible.

The hardest part about it also? Doubting, and not forseeing that my body will ever achieve what it did or what others do….that if I do get better…I may never run again….I may not even be capable of biking or much of anything. It leaves a bleak picture in the road ahead of me. ….but like I said….I need to be positive….do not go down that road.

I guess that is where the passion for books is intensifying…..occupy me…(hopefully) most of the time. So, bloggers  (who this might relate or apply to) be grateful for what you can do and do not take it for granted…and do not be consumed by silly food fears (avoiding carbs, low cals, whatever the latest fad is)….it is all a waste…it does your body no good and it does no one else good either.

i could spend hours….

November 14, 2009

in a bookstore.

I went to Chapters recently and spent a long time there.

The things I like? Well I like books. I like books a lot. I like fiction, non-fiction, biography, memoir, cook-books, nutrition books, fitness books, self-help books, etc etc etc. I could go on and on. I always wish I could buy them all….and all too frequently I leave with a book or two bought. I really should not be doing this….I am like the title character in the Shopaholic series: I have little finances but always choose to ignore this when i go into a bookstore ….or food store for that matter (yes, books and food are my passions….apparently).

I am currently reading 3 different books….I do not normally do this…but the 2 of them are *different* so it makes more sense. I am reading The Secret Life of Bees (and enjoying it as I get deeper into it),  and I am reading The China Study by T.Colin Campbell, PHD (though admittedly not a vegetarian!). I have read several books these past few months and I plan to post pics of the books and my thoughts about them. I think I might enjoy that kind of thing…books fascinate me….learning and reading make me feel productive….silly? Maybe. But that is me…I love it.

So are you a reader? Enjoy reading? Anything counts: books, articles, magazines, the back of the dish detergent tub 🙂

On another note, this has been a slow friday, not a personally good day for myself because I learned some distressing information. But I need to move on. I need to be positive and look to the next moment and what I can do to better the situation and myself.

As I mentioned in the previous post, I have a lot of goals in life….many I have not even mentioned. Goals are tricky…tricky when their attainment is both physically and practically very unfeasible at the time or any time in near future. But I must keep head up…head up. No regret…no looking back. The continued dwelling on the past and its grievances and failures and mistakes is only continued waste of time…continued wasted productivity. And why be so hard on oneself? Why torture your body and mind with regret and the past and actions not taken or actions taken that resulted in emptiness?…Move on. The human body has to move on physically and mentally and strive for more. One day at a time because its a process and not an overnight or year-thing (maybe for some…but not for me anyway).

Tonight I am going to be thankful for what I have in life. And further to that I am going to continue each day to move one micromilliter closer to where I need to be in life. Not necessarily want (because we cannot all have everything we want)….but where I need to be.

Good night.

the things i like…

November 13, 2009

Have you ever sat down and just thought about the things you like…the things you like….just the simple things. You know, all those little things that seem so mindless and trivial and unimportant.

The things I like:

1. the crunch of crisp leaves lingering on sidewalk.

2. warmth

3. a blanket

4. deep sleep where i die into the sleep

5. being lost in a thick book

6. smell of vanilla

7. glistening-flake-it-apart salmon

8. wandering a bookstore for hours

9. watching a gentle gentle fall of thick snow in the light-cast of the window on a crisp chill night

10. researching-learning-education

11. falling into yoga

12. a crunchy organic apple

13. mindless reality show

14. cookbooks and recipes

That is what I can think of right now. What are the simple things that you like?

Last night I sat down and thought about what I might really want to do in life. When I say the *things I want* , I am not including the obvious things like travel around Europe, go on a cruise, vacation in Hawaii, go to a ranch in Texas somewhere that offers a spa-retreat vacation, etc….I mean the other things: directions I might want (or had always wanted) to take my career, etc.

So I did not write an extensive list…and some of the things were random and possibly not priority…but I decided to include all that came to my mind at that time. Here is a list (so far):

1. Write a book (s)….fiction and (non)fiction.

2. Online & magazine freelance writing.

3. Own a bookstore.

4. Own a health food store/cafe.

5. Sell recipe books &/or creations.

6. Attend School for Holistic Nutrition…..explore the world of nutrition health education/advocacy/consulting/writing/teaching.

7. Take creative writing (or any writing) courses and reading courses.

8. Join a writing group…Join a book-club/class.

9. Become committed to yoga practice.

So, this is a preliminary list to get me to think…think about how to next achieve these things…that is plan for this weekend…develop possible action plans that might help me to achieve these things….

And I will make a final note on a post that I want to make later about bookstores (oh, how I love thee!)…..I currently have about a million (and 1) books I wish I could buy and read….I have noticed 5 cookbooks in particular that I would love to buy/own as well…in time….these include:

– V with a Vengeance

– Veganimicon

– Refresh

– The Eat Clean Diet Cookbook (new)

– The Raw Gourmet

Till later….

frosty blanket

November 12, 2009

The ground is coated with a very light frost this morning. So the chill is back in the air which I knew was coming soon. Too bad. I love to look at snow and frost…but being out in it is not so pleasant.

So goals for today:

1. 40 minute walk

2. 20 minutes yoga stretch

3. read 1-2 hours total

4. consider places to pass in resumes for extra money that i need :\

5.write a list of all the things i hope to achieve in future (realistic and unrealistic) and document in this blog

Nothing interesting here at all. I hope things get more interesting in time. The goals in this blog include to *grow* and watch this growth over time. No regrets…no looking back…it is all in the now and present moment.